Seriously? A family with six kids gets sent plague #3?! There must be an error somewhere.
āDear God, I would like to apply for the (#9) darkness or the (#2) frogs or (#8) locusts instead. Thank you.ā
Already, Iāve doused my kidsā heads with tea tree and lavender essential oil, Campho-Phenique, Listerine and Cetaphyl cleanser. These treatments are old wivesā tales (OK, one gal was in her early 30ās) and they didnāt work for me, but my children now smell delightful.
On three successive nights, I wrapped their scalps in mayonnaise, then olive oil, and finally vinegar in the hopes of smothering the lice intruders. On the fourth night, I just tossed up a Caesar salad instead.*
Here are my 11 astute lice observations after dealing with this trauma for far too long:
1. Lice are never ready for their close-up. Whatever you do, NEVER look at a picture on the Internet of a single louse under a microscope. You will either shave your childās head or send her to boarding school for six months so THEY can deal with these monstrous, grotesque gargantuan inhabitants.
2. The machinery is intense. There is something called a LouseBuster which will make you look twice, thinking it says, āSpouseBuster.ā It doesnāt, but it should.
3. There are professionals in the field. There are people who get rid of lice for a price. I amused myself thinking up names for their businesses while I waited for them to go through every strand of my childrenās hair with a āNit-onatorā comb. The salon was simply called, āThe Nit-Picker.ā How dull. How about āThe Lice Whisperer,ā or āSugar & Spice & Everything Lice,ā or āTip of the Liceberg,ā or āOnce bitten, Lice Shy,ā or āBreaking the Lice,ā or āAt Nitās End,ā or āNitās a Small World After All,ā or āPlaying Nit By Ear,ā or āA No-Win Nituation,ā or āLaying Nit On The Line,ā or āLike Nit or Lump Nit,ā or āI wouldnāt touch Nit with a Ten-Foot Pole,ā or āGet Over Nit,ā and my personal favorite, āWhen The Nit Hits The Fan.ā Who needs to write for The Huffington Post? Iāll just sit around and name parasitic petulance companies all day long.
4. They have enviable longevity. Because live lice and nits cannot live without their host scalp for longer than 48 hours, you donāt have to clean your home, you just need to starve it of humans. Move to a new residence!
5. It leads to The Blame Game. Stay in offensive mode when you report this experience (and you really should!) to the parents of your kidās friends. Insist that itās their unkempt child who gave it to your precious tot in the first place. Donāt back down on this one, trust me.
6. They make you a temporary neat freak. You will never clean your house as thoroughly as you will after a lice infestation. And by āyou,ā I mean your spouse.
7. Facts are key. They can hold their teeny tiny little breaths for up to 8 hours. So if the plan is to jump in a chlorinated pool, youāll need scuba gear. Also, they cannot jump or fly. That leaves me stumped as to how they get on the body part that is the furthest away from the ground. (Kidding aside, these facts and more than you ever wanted to know about lice can be found here.)
8. They induce paranoia. If you go to your childās pediatrician for the initial diagnosis (because youāre confused about identifying a nit from a piece of dandruff) and the Dr. suddenly says, āOh wow, her scalp is just teeming with them. Come closer, Mom ā let me educate you on what they look like,ā and you run from the examination room screaming, āTeeming? Teaming?! Who SAYS that?ā Expect the physician to make notes in your childās file about their motherās stability.
9. They bestow an aura of mystery. If you want to capture someoneās attention, walk into Target and ask the clerk, āOn what aisle would I find products to kill…ā then whisper the rest in her ear. Ten people will follow you around the store.
10. They stir controversy. If you keep your child home from school, the head lice have won! Seriously, just write a post saying you sent your kid to school with a full-blown, active case of lice. Save this blog for April Foolās Day.
11. They elicit drama. When the lice problem finally goes away (and it will!) you will be reduced to your best Scarlett Oāhara impersonation, dropping to your knees on old shag carpet, holding up the empty casing of a nit while shouting to the heavens, āAs God as my witness, Iāll never be itchy again!ā
And now, since my home is so clean you can eat off the floor, Iām issuing a formal invitation for you to come for dinner tonight. Just donāt show up empty-handed. Thatās a pest-peeve of mine.
For more parenting humor, check out the authorās hilarious experience at Disneyland right HERE
*Again, home remedies with little or no evidence to support effectiveness, as discussed by the Mayo Clinic.